1 Eb Soprano cornet	Too loud, usually out of tune. Convinced he has the most difficult part in the band
1 Principal cornet	Conceited - uses too much vibrato
1 "Second man down" or "bumper upper"	Either thinks he would make a better principal, or hero-worships the principal
1 "Third man down"	Loud brutal musical thug with lots of stamina and no finesse
1 "Fourth man down"	Like third man down, only louder and thicker
1 Repiano cornet	Waiting for a chance to play principal
2 2nd cornets	Hesitant, out of tune, but can play a bottom C
2 3rd cornets	Loud, out of tune, but can play bottom G
1 Flugelhorn	Plays flat. Can't decide whether to be a cornet or a horn
1 Solo horn	Usually a girlie - irrespective of whether a male or female player
2 Tenor horns	Can play a unison tone in tune if one of them is dead
1st Baritone	Useless player, out of tune all the time
2nd Baritone	Even worse player. Only there to show what the first baritone could do if he tried
2 Euphoniums	Show-off and trainee show-off
1 1st trombone	Steam driven. Rasps most of the time
1 2nd trombone	Sloppy player, but can rasp even at pianissimo
1 Bass trombone	Chainsaw with vibrato
2 Eb basses	Look like two drunken farts
2 Bb basses	Sound like two drunken farts
Percussion	Have lots of noisy toys which must be used in the most inappropriate way possible. Must be totally incapable of producing a swing rhythm
Conductor	So devoid of musical ability that he thinks the above shower sounds good